Take a chance this Valentine’s Day: a new approach to the average date night

Matthew Peterman, Writer

DISCLAIMER: Do not actually do any these.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, many are looking to impress their significant other with the classic roses, chocolates, possibly a romantic dinner, etc. But those things are so cliche and overused. If you’re looking to spice things up a bit, here are some tips to use.

1.Only give your date the stem of the rose. Not the flower, but the green thing on the bottom. That’s where the thorns are, and it’ll prove if they’re worthy of your time. If they don’t know how to fix their own cuts, they don’t deserve your time. What will happen if they cut themselves without medical assistance? In such a savage world as today, it’s survive or die. Plus, it’ll get the adrenaline going for more adventure later on.

2. Instead of paying big money for tickets and popcorn at the movies, go to Best Buy and watch any movie you want for free. They have the best home theater selection anywhere. That’s right, Radioshack. Don’t just watch a movie, either. Bring all the food that you want from home. Bring a blanket, even. Who knows what such a wild night will lead to? The tricky part is avoiding the employees, because they might kick you out for “loitering”, or the classic “Sir, we’re closed. It’s 1 am.” Time is an illusion. I’ll sleep when I sleep, I’ll eat when I eat, I watch movies when I watch movies.

3. To really get the adrenaline going, put on ski masks and climb on top of a bank. Not only will it give you and your date and incredible view, but also people will think that you’re breaking into the bank and call the police. Now you’re on the run from the cops, and nothing brings two people together like pretending to commit a felony and running from authorities. It’s like Bonnie and Clyde, just without the cowboy hats and the saloons.

4. Buy your date a dog. A big dog, like a Rottweiler or German shepherd, something that will protect the house. If your date doesn’t know how to fix their thorn cut, how will they be able to stop an axe murderer? If your date is allergic to dogs, just buy them a big cat, like a lion or a tiger. Sure, it might be illegal. But what’s worse, prison or being decapitated?

I hope these tips help you on a fantastic date, and keep things interesting this Valentine’s Day.